Canberra Rod & Kustom Klub Inc.
C/O: 5 Marks Place, Macgregor ACT 2615. Australia
Funny Stuff
Irish Engineers
Two
Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing at the base
of a flagpole, looking up.
A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're
supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but
we don't have a ladder."
The
woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole
down.
Then
she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,
"5 metres" and then walked away.
Seamus
shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for
the height and she gives us the length!"
THE CARDIOLOGIST AND THE MECHANIC
A
mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when
he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there
waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the
mechanic shouted across the garage
"Hey
Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The
cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on
the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said;
"So
Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So
how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759)
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The
cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
"Try
doing it with the engine running."
Shopping Fun
The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a local Target store. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her husband shopping with her again! ! !
January 12, 2006
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton
Multiple Complaints
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3- July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4 - July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6- September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7- September 15:Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8- September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9- October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10- November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11- December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12- December 6:In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13- December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14- December 21:When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15- December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Rules To Consider
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did?
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the
accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's
crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"